Looking back and remembering all the memories from my own self past up tell today is exhausting. Over the years. Over the moves. Over the losses or even the wins. We took pictures and videos. But we also lost so many memories in pictures and videos. But I remember without them. People post throw backs or childhood memories with themselves or their children. Some repost wedding pictures. I mostly can’t. But I’m ok with that.
Childhood memories of my own self I know longer or ever had. Those where kept from me. Wedding photos where takin but also kept or destroyed by others in my past. Then between all the moves & losses Iv lost pictures of my own children. I remember everything from my wedding and my kids growing up. Honestly remembering my own childhood is not always my goal to remember. But my kids is always worth remembering. but I’m ok with the losses because I have them & making new ones everyday.
Some part of me become sad & depressed about those things. But when I take a minute to remember a time from my kids childhood I love & laugh all over again. it hurts to know the why I don’t have pictures from my childhood or even my own freaking wedding. But as I remind myself those people who didn’t care chose to destroy those memories on purpose are the sad things I honestly don’t want to remember.
Saying my vows and the kiss all the way to signing the paperwork was my best memories from my wedding. Now one who was there or anything. Just us. Giving birth to our kids and our anniversary’s to our birthdays and any holiday we share is my best memories. Spending every day with my kids and my husband are the memories I hold onto. In response to my own tears of no past moments to look at. My response to myself when I think I’m a bad mom wife or woman because I can’t show my history.
Well I can. I can tell you what my memories are. What my favorite time in each child’s childhood. I can tell you my heartbeat was going crazy when I said I do. I can tell you we cried at each birth. I can tell you a memory with my words better then a picture could ever. I can tell you I once hated the ones who held my own childhood pictures and my wedding pictures. But today I can tell you I pray for them instead now. Because today I hold memories with no worries.
See not everything in a picture is worth the heartache of no picture. See I hold my daily happiness in myself. Pictures are awesome and I wish I had them all back. But we can’t change anything so we become the story of our own self and we tell the memories as we speak. I write it and I speak it from my heart. Because then no one can ever be holding a piece of your life journey as a knife stabbing you because of ill feelings towards you. Yes I wish I could show pictures. But I also am glad of my growth and being able to teach my children a higher level of self worth.
Prayers to the ones with no regard for our journey today tomorrow or our life behind us. Today my strength in memories hold my heart and soul because I live each day for memories a journey of life I continue doing without the history of the old journey holding me back.


