The beginning of my journey was nothing but pain and confusion. I grew up lost and alone. My bio parents didn’t care. Both remarried. I was molested at a young age until I left bio mom house at 13.

Abuse has always been apart of my childhood. Even after leaving her home. Her side of the family had their own issues. Even though I was a child. They acted like everything was my fault for everything they caused them selves. I was introduced to everything that I should of never been. As they even did to their own children after I left. Between being sexualized and to drug abuse. My own blood. But looking now. They even did harm to there own children. So now I move on and allow no contact between them ever again.

Honestly the only people from my childhood who protected me. Was the gang bangers I new and drug dealers. Yep. Crazy huh. They told my aunts and uncles to never do that again or else. I never got wrapped up in gangs or drugs. They just we’re family. I babysat for them. Cleaned house and got my own reality check on life. Found to never judge someone because of how they live. My worst enemies were blood relatives. My savor was criminals.

Beyond crazy stuff. Then i married and had 8 kids. Played with the devil off and on for years. Kept most of the family crap out of my kids life. Had a lot of trauma I chose to never heal. Boy was I wrong. I played victim cards and had no clue how the game worked. Never wanted anything more because I let that trauma take over. Up n down. In and out of my own self harm. Damage to my marriage and my family.

Moved further away. Middle of no where. Kept the same attitude and kept it going until I had two babies back to back. Then I don’t know what happened to me anymore. I have no idea what was taking me out. I ran away from my husband and kids. I hung around with people like my family I ran from. I was going through severe depression and gaining psychoses. I fell hard. My husband was not understanding. Had no one Chose not to reach out. Then it all crashed.

I made it alive from my childhood trauma Least I thought. By baby 6 and 7 back to back I can tell you that baby postpartum is serious. That trauma I thought I could grow out of was the worst add up up to this. I new I wasn’t getting through it. Once postpartum hit me finally. It was the last time I played with the devil.

I lost everything. Moved my kids to where I hoped they be safe. My husband and I moved to another part to rebuild our lives. I went through a rigorous process of finding myself and healing. I new I couldn’t get past this if I didn’t. I wasn’t going to be anyway like my family. I wanted my family back together. I wanted to be the mother I new I could be.

Even with the ones I had thought where the best option. They fought against me. But I had my church. My friends. My husband. My kids all supported me. So I fought every demon that I had ever known. I rebooted my brain. I rebuilt my relationships and I beat the devil.

Now 5 years later. The biggest difference is that I can get the job done as a mother and wife without having to worry about the stress of having anything hold me back. I don’t run and I sure don’t have any issues I use too. Sometimes the best way is the most difficult.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not ever gonna go backwards. I still have a traumatized past. I still regret not being a present mother during those off times. But I healed for them. I healed along side them. I never put any of my kids in danger. I never abused them. Don’t ever get me there. They had a emotional mess mom for a bit. But I also taught them to take care of themselves. I taught them wrongs and rights. We are now a healed family. A healthy family.

My kids now have the best of everything and they are thriving better then I ever imagined. We have been in this together and they now have the childhood they will be proud of. I’m giving them all my best I never new I had. I healed my relationship with my two oldest kids as well. They new I was a good mom. I just needed to heal. I got to reteach them as well.

I regret not being more active in my healing efforts in the beginning of this. But I also have the acknowledgment of how important life with my kids are. So now that o have been through all this. The rest of my life is going to be spent being able to do what I’m capable of doing for them and for myself without being forced into the habit of my childhood. Rebooting my brain and my body was just the beginning of the journey. Sad it took so long.

Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Get healed. Take the time. Even if it’s something small. Please. I’m telling you. Don’t go down that path of disappointment and regret that I have. It can be done. Healthy and happy.

My story was a bit more complicated and insane. I’m here to help others understand what they are capable of and what trauma can cause them. this is a very difficult story to tell but it’s worth it to help others.