As I start the day with homeschooling and work. I found more out about myself over the weekend. Found I had so much more to work on. Becoming apart of the recovery process has been a long journey. I found my myself not only as a mother and a woman but as a wife and business person. To put things in perspective was a better way to learn to understand anything. Honestly taking away the constant pain from my past helped but also taking away anything to block my pain as well.

See I found over the years I didn’t understand relationships or friendships. Because I never had normal ones. I had walls up throughout everything. And when I did or tried to be apart of any kind of relationship it was just basic I would give. Even in my marriage and closet friendships I had up to today. I always loved my children more then I was ever loved because I new I didn’t want to ever be like mine. Even after 20 years in my marriage and a few years in recovery I found I still didn’t give my husband my all either.

So over the last weekend. I took everything I learned and opened up my own personal perspective and my new emotions and found myself as a wife. Now I’ll probably say if I was still in my old state my guard would be up and I couldn’t not because I don’t love my husband but because honestly my life was turned upside down in that state way to much and I was still aware old people could find me. So if I went soft as will put it. I wouldn’t be safe. As I always thought. But after a year here. I feel at peace and at ease.

My husband has loved me unconditional as I him. Was never the problem. As we have 8 kids and been together over 20 years and best friends prior to our marriage. But over the years we have been through so much and my past trauma did not help me acknowledge any kind of feelings more the the basic. But we accomplished something big as I put my walls that where left down and found my beautiful emotions flowing through to him. So now we can officially start on a better relationship.

My friendships have endured the same. I have multiple friendships Iv had for many years. I continue to keep my emotions at bay even when they walked along side my family through every bad time. Today I have branched my feelings about them more and recently reconnecting in a better healthy emotional way. So I’m glad we are able to rebuild the home from the inside because I almost lost my family a few years ago. So today I get the chance to live my life journey with trust and love. As well as true happiness.

Perspective can kick your butt after a long recovery of trauma. Perspectives are on different levels of learning each day. I trust that I don’t have to have my trauma to be as strong in my life journey anymore. I trust I don’t need alternative ways to hide from anything else. Taking apart my life to endure the hell again from my trauma to relearn was my biggest fear. But I survived it. Now I’m learning about my true self. I didn’t thing I’d win after years of hiding from it. But look at me now.

Perspective for you to be able to live with trauma. Take care of yourself first. Tear apart layer by layer until you heal from each one. Then rebuild. In all honesty it feels like hell. But coming out the other side of it is the most beautiful thing. Don’t go for perfect or normal. Go for what your happiness and love is. Perspectively I’m not either. But my happiness and love is real now.