Iv meet so many levels of people over the years. I have some but very small amount of blood family I contact. I have had friends and associates. Some who became family and some who I don’t talk to anymore. Over the years though I have learned what is healthy and what is not. I have also learned that even if blood. There are some things you need to do to stay healthy for yourself.

I have had to disown many people blood related or not. Because peace is going to be my priority. I had so many things I thought family should be. I forced myself to block my childhood trauma just for the family connection. Which was totally not ok. It caused my trauma to heighten worse even in adulthood. I learned to give a distance relationship until I felt comfortable to allow a more personal one. Each time I left do to it making myself uncomfortable to continue the relationship.

Friends I found myself trying to hard to make myself happy and make sure they liked me. I crossed my own interests and emotions just for a friend. Then I finally seen myself crumbling because of those friendships. Now I have friends and make friends with who are in my same path forward. I stopped trying and watched first. If any increase of anxiety with there aura I do not complete the friendship thing.

This took quite awhile to acknowledge that I was a bit of a needy person. I wanted to replace the blood family I couldn’t have in my life by making my own family. But this is way too much to try and do. Because I found making a family isn’t about seeking it. It comes together along the way. I found I was seeking the same kinda people I was blocking. I had a idea but from a trauma standpoint. But honestly it took many years to heal my way way out of that construction I was building.

After everything that happened. I had realized I had many friends who where not in that toxic idea. Reconnecting with them and then becoming who I really am meant friends fall into place and your ideas are truly more than what your used to. You know right away when you cross a toxic person and see first and can move right along without assistance from trying. See now I can point it out in one conversation and not be worried about there feelings when I move forward from anything further.

No matter how much it takes. I don’t miss the caos. I don’t miss the need to make everyone my friend. I don’t have anything extra for this. Learn about yourself. Learn about your trauma and heal. Because we repeat behavior no matter how much we think we ok. Don’t count yourself out. It’s hard it’s deep but it’s worth it.